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Why? - Dada

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August 5th, 2002


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07:55 am - Why?
Why must everything crumble at once? I'm having band problems, so I've basically shut everyone out except the pizza delivery guy... As far as I know, my only friend, Mana, is still depressed. I've even shut him out... God, why must all of us J-rockers get so melodramatic? Even I suffer it, as me shutting out my only friend shows... I was so happy to finally have a friend again, and what do I do? Shut him out... What is wrong with me? Am I really that stupid? I've seen on the caller ID that he's been calling, but why won't I answer? He's been through the same problems, and I've been through them many times in the past, but why is this time different? Why can't I just pick up the phone? If he really still is depressed, I'm sure I'm not helping anything... Maybe it's because subconsciously don't want to burden him any more than he already is with the passing of his friend... Maybe it's because I'm afraid that he'll think less of me if I don't act super happy and bouncy like normal... I mean, I'm sure he understands that NO ONE can possibly be happy all the time, but I don't want to burden him. I want him to like me; he's my only friend. But if I truly consider him my friend, shouldn’t I be not afraid to show him my deepest inner feelings? I've never shown anyone those things; maybe that's why I have band problems... Maybe I think too much; worry too much... I'm so thankful for Mana's friendship that I don't want to damage it by dumping problems on him; but is shutting him out not doing just as much, or more, damage as that? He's not like one of my video games that I can just pause and come back to... I can't load a previous save game and fix past problems... Maybe this is why Mana is my only friend... Maybe I'm too cautious about too many things. I desperately want people to like me, but I fear I go about things the wrong way some, if not most, of the time. I look back over the past few years of my life and I see the faces of so many people that I could have become friends with; people I was scared to get close to... But when I think of Mana, I don't feel quite the same as I feel about everyone else... There's something else there, something that I can't put my finger on... It's something I don't want to lose, something I don't want to damage. It's something I would protect with my life, at all costs. Mana is the one person, that when I have let a problem slip in the past, has listened and accepted me. I just want him to like me, to be there when I have problems, and to know that I will be here from now on. I will never ignore one of his phone calls again. *ring* There's the phone now... ::waits for caller ID to register:: It's Mana. I should go. Here's hoping this goes well...
Current Mood: hopefulhopeful

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